This isn’t a post about softness — Its about ego and how it blinds you.
It’s easy in the heat of an argument to say whatever is on your mind. You’re frustrated, angry, upset and misunderstood so it’s understandable that you want to be heard. You might use defense mechanisms to protect yourself, maybe through sarcasm, stonewalling, deflection, or blame shifting. Those defenses, though instinctive, erode connection. They create resentment instead of resolution.
Instead choose softness over your ego. This is something I’m struggling with at the moment, but I’m realising the first step in preventing this destructive behavior, is to understand it.
What is ego and where it does it come from?
Ego is innate in all of us. The healthy ego — what Freud called ” a coherent organisation of mental processes” — allows us to observe situations, assess them and respond with intention.
The neurotic ego on the other hand, is compulsively driven or stymied by desire or fear. This feeds our arrogance, entitlement, attachment and the need to control other people — a shield that keeps us from being vulnerable.
where does this begin?
Ego develops in early childhood conditioning. When we are young we subconsciously learn to how to receive love, avoid rejection and keep ourselves safe. If you had emotionally unavailable or reactive care givers, you learn to be hypersensitive to tone or criticism.
Later in a healthy adult relationship, your ego might say “Defend yourself now or you will get hurt again”
The more I become aware of this pattern, the more I learn to catch myself in it. I’m trying to love better, soften without loosing myself and to stay open even when it’s hard.
When love gets lost in ego.
In the arguments I’ve had recently with my partner, softening felt impossible.
We weren’t fighting over something small, these were deep rooted beliefs about how we’d raise children. We both felt strongly about what we thought was right and Somewhere in the middle of that, love got lost and ego took over.
Increased frustration grew from both sides. We weren’t hearing each other — just defending our own views. I felt his perspective to be unreasonable and dismissed it completely, Forgetting that he was allowed to have his own opinion, even if I didn’t agree. I fixated on the ideal version of raising kids, while he saw me as stubborn, close-minded and dogmatic. not leaving him space for conversation.
Eventually, the actual topic faded and all that was left was emotion. I said things I regret, calling him selfish and full of ego.
But the truth is, this was a refection of my own insecurities and behavior that I was unaccountable for.
Preventing Regret In The Future
When I saw how deeply I hurt him, I didn’t defend myself this time. I didn’t speak over him, I stayed quiet. I listened, I softened.
Guilt settled in, and I knew I had crossed a line. But guilt can’t be the only reason we change — not when we love someone. I realised I didn’t want to keep showing up in ways that needed repairing. I wanted to change before damage was done, not just after.
For us, the disagreement itself wasn’t the issue. it was more about how we communicated about it.
The topic of raising kids was important, but we were eventually able to work through it with respect and compromise. We understand that it was more about the way we showed up, with love and compassion.
Being soft doesn’t mean being weak. It means allowing your femininity — intuition, empathy and grace to guide the way. It means expressing strength without needing to overpower. This is something i’m choosing now, and what I’ll continue to choose even when it’s difficult. Slowly Replacing my ego with softness.
Are you Experiencing something similar?
If you are — you’re not alone.
Three years into my relationship, I’m still learning that love isn’t about winning but protecting the connection. Even when it’s messy. Especially when its hard.
It might be obvious but there are moments where u do feel unheard and afraid, we aren’t perfect and we will make mistakes. The best we can do is stay aware of those moments and learn from them.
Have you ever looked back on an argument and realised ego got in the way? How did you move forward?
Try: 10 Traditional Habits That Should Be Brought Back
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